||[May. 29th, 2007|12:35 pm]
|||||"beautiful girls" + sean kingston||]|
i don't think that most people take me too seriously and that's probably because i don't give them a reason to.
but lately certain things have started to click for me...i'm starting to realize who i really am and how i need to manage and live my life for myself at this point in time...i'm starting to get it...
last week jonte shaved her head, took out all of her piercings, and threw away all of her make-up. she told me that she just woke up and something in her just said that it was time for a change and that that's what she felt she needed to do...
at that moment, i wanted to go home and get rid of all of things that i adorn my body with to make me stand out, blend in, or whatever it is that i do. at that moment, i wanted to just stop caring about everything...all of the superficial nonsense...all of the extra time that i spend getting ready for nothing...the change that jonte made was very inspiring to me...but i could never do anything so drastic...partially because i'm really a mindless conformist...but mostly because the "superficial", materialistic things i do are for myself...those are the things that make me feel good about myself and i couldn't really deny myself those things...i don't feel that i should deny myself those things.
in ninth grade, i wrote an essay for my pre a.p. geography class...it was about something that marx wrote...now, in ninth grade, i was still just kinda sliding by so i didn't really read the text and what i did read, i couldn't really fully grasp. so i just b.s.-ed the essay, figuring that it would get me by, just as so many other ill attempts had done...yeah, right. on this particular essay, i got a d and on the top, written in red, was the word "superficial". i was confused and offended...mr ace later explained that he was commenting on the superficial nature of my essay and that he was not attacking me personally. i would have been really hurt if i had not known that my essay really was crap and he had left the same comment on the paper of several of my classmates...
that incident had a really interesting effect on me.
but now i'm thinking that maybe i have been superficial this whole time...just b.s.-ing my way through life by not really being anything worth taking seriously for the sake of just getting by when i know that i have the potential to be so much more...